Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Harder To Breathe

Lately, I’ve been having trouble blogging. With all that’s been happening around here in the past few months, it’s getting harder and harder to breathe, let alone be creative.

I am in a total funk that I can’t seem to escape from and there’s no end in sight anytime soon.

My daughter continues with a variety of daily therapy sessions in order to keep the anorexia nervosa at bay. It’s an up and down struggle and probably always will be, but we need to do what we are doing right now.

For me, it’s been very difficult for me to deal with the worry and fear that I have for her and how this is affecting my other kids, let alone try to combat the isolation and the loneliness I’m feeling that accompanies getting her the help she needs.

Sometimes days go by where I have no contact with another adult other than a cashier at a grocery store or something.

My teenaged children have also reached ages where it’s not so cool to hang out with mom anymore. I get that, I didn’t want to hang out with my mom at their ages either. I was accustomed to at least one of the kids being willing to accompany me anywhere...the pool, the zoo, a concert, whatever. Now? Nope. It’s normal, but it feels weird and the timing of everything just plain sucks.

I am still working in the mornings. I work for my parents, but they are rarely in the office when I am there. I have one co-worker, The Biker Chick, and to say we have little in common is an understatement. We get along, but I find it very difficult to carry on any kind of conversation with her. It’s not that I dislike her, we just don’t click.

I haven’t seen any of my friends in what feels like ages.

My family’s lives have become a time sequence of medicine, breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack, medicine and now that school has started, my daughter attends many therapy and group sessions every evening. It’s too far for me to go back home, so I wander in a store (I really hate shopping!) or I just sit in the car, alone, and read a book.

My hubby has been working long hours, too, on some major computer installs and planning for the new building for the police department.

We often get home after 9 PM which gives me a few minutes to check in with the other kids and the hubby before everyone heads off to bed and I stay awake (always an insomniac) wondering how long it will be before I can relax, maybe even exhale, you know?

Eventually, I fall asleep and when the alarm rings, it starts all over.

I’m finding it hard to believe that I can live in a too crowded house in such a populated area and feel lonely. How is this happening?

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe.

5 comments:

mom huebert said...

Oh Jessica. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew how to help. I guess I can pray for you. Would that be okay?

This Eclectic Life said...

Sweetie! Oh, man...I'm like mom huebert, I wish I knew what to say! I know the feeling, a little bit, because when I'm not working as a storyteller, some days I don't even leave the house. And, yes, it gets "lonely" when I'm not "alone."
You've got sooo much stress going on right now, that I think your feelings are pretty "normal." I'd love to come up with something more creative than "Hang in there," but that's all I got. Unless you would accept an invitation to come to Texas and hang out with this old broad for a few days of R&R. I have a guest room...

The Rock Chick said...

Mom: Thank your for your words and prayers. I appreciate them both.

Shelly: You have no idea how much I would love to take you up on your invitation! Not a good time to be away fro me right now, but I would love it if you'd keep that invite open. I would love to come hang with you!!!

This Eclectic Life said...

Darlin' mi casa es tu casa. Just let me know when you can exhale.

Dustin said...

Though I haven't been commenting lately, I have still been reading. I know things are tough for you and I have nothing to offer other than an "I have been there and know how you're feeling". Maybe not with your specific circumstances, but I definitely can relate with what you're saying.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Just remember the words of Annie's famous song "The sun will come out tomorrow...er...someday...!"

:-)