Sunday, May 17, 2009

Movin' On Up!

To a deeee-luxe apartment in the sky!!

Life is RANTastic! has relocated to

Please update your bookmarks and follow me over there!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Life Is A Highway

I had the best intentions of writing this post yesterday, but I was so excited to finally have a locksmith show up with a key to my Jeep that I decided to celebrate by taking it for a ride around town. I was enjoying a warm, spring drive with the windows rolled down when my wardrobe malfunctioned and the wind blew the handkerchief I was wearing as a top right off my body! OH NO! In a frantic effort not to expose myself to the Windy City, I grasped for the fluttering garment and accidentally knocked my shiny tiara right off my head. It landed resting on my nose and the sun glaring off the glistening diamonds had me seeing spots for several hours. I couldn’t see clearly to write my post. A CATastrophe, indeed.

Things like this should not happen in America! I tried to call The Wiseman Donald for help, but he was otherwise occupied determining the 21st century’s definition of pornography. This is great news because I think the Hysteria Lane red light camera caught the whole incident and I’m running for “Miss RANTastic America” next week. I’d hate for those pictures to be released for publication and ruin my chances. My platform is “CatBoots For Everyone!” I’m really excited about it.

Seriously, I’m finding the coverage of the Miss California USA debacle absolutely hysterical. Major news networks interrupted normal coverage to air the decision regarding Carrie Prejean’s pageant fate to the universe, even though she didn’t win the bigger title and really, would probably be only appearing at local charity functions and at schools giving children important lessons about the US Constitution. Like this:

Ummmmm Carrie, darling, sorry to be the one to burst your bubble, but the First Amendment protects your right to freedom of speech from government interference and constraint. It does not protect you from beauty pageant judges, Satan, bloggers who scribble often funny, but, yes, sometimes obscene words over celebrity pictures, the paparazzi and sometimes even worse, it does not protect you from a response to your words from the general American public, like me. Who, by the way, really thinks you lost not because of the content of your answer, but because you didn’t answer the question posed to you and decided to take advantage of an opportunity to express your personal opinion when it wasn’t even asked. (I know, phew!)

All that matters is if the government is interfering with your right to free speech, so unless some secret government faction whisked you off in the night and threatened, tortured and/or imprisoned you, you are not being punished for your statement, you are learning a valuable lesson that freedom of speech does not equal freedom from consequences. Life is a highway, my dear, not a one way street.

Imagine that you just steered your car off that one way street and are now driving down a major boulevard through the United States of America. The traffic is not just moving freely in opposite directions, there’s a whole lotta stuff going on in those intersections, as well. That’s why they have red lights on occasion. They force you to stop, pay attention to what’s going on and give people who are traveling in a different direction the ability to move forward at times. Sometimes this happens without incident and other times, there are major crashes.

On the road of life, some of the drivers passing you will give a friendly wave and some will give you the finger and that’s ok. It does and should happen in America, no matter what you look like.

Phew! Now that that’s done, I’m free to tackle other important issues like tongue lashing both Jon and Kate Gosselin.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Cuckoo's Nest

Yesterday I told you about one of the JessiCATastrophic events that happened this week, my missing key. Before I go continue, the law requires me to post the following notice:

Dear Mr. Bon Jovi,

No worries, it was just me who rode my bicycle past your window last night and roller skated past your door at daylight. Unfortunately, the locksmith didn’t show up with my Brand New Key so I ride my bike, I roller skate and don’t drive no car. I don’t go too fast, but I go pretty far.

Pursuingly, The Rock Chick

Yeah. Seriously. He didn’t show, (ARRRRRGH!) but he did call in the evening and told me that I get to wait for him all day on Wednesday now. The economy sucks, businesses are closing or filing bankruptcy day every day and yet, I can’t seem to get anybody who advertises themselves as an “emergency auto locksmith” to work and I’m just supposed to accept that, I guess.

This is exactly the opposite mentality of my job. My customer service job has become nothing short of a freak show featuring me, center ring, standing on my head and attempting to pull all sorts of things out of my ass in order to please our customers.

Because insurance is an intangible item and hopefully, one doesn’t find the need to file many claims, many people believe that they give their insurance company money for nothing. I hear this day in and day out and I try my best to explain to the customers that they are purchasing protection in case “shit happens”. The economy is tight, I get that. People don’t have money and I can’t say paying my insurance premiums is high on my list of enjoyable activities, either. Then again, neither is dealing with buttholes and they all seem to be out these days, forcing me to want to scream “Holy Bat Shit, Batman” and hermit myself to the comfy and safe nest I’ve assembled in the CATcave.

Disclaimer: Unlike my caped crusader friend, I really don't have a animalistic alter ego, I just pretend I do online.

This past week alone, I have been called very, very bad names (Perez Hilton, was that you?), sworn at and threatened with physical harm over customer’s insurance premiums. I had a spat (spit?) with one customer who came into the office wildly upset that his neighbor is receiving a multi-car discount and he is not. He only has one car policy, which I might add to this story had lapsed a month prior for non-payment of premium. He demanded a single car discount, which of course, doesn’t exist. (The whole point of multi-car or multi-line discounts is so that you bring all of your policies to one company.)

Red faced and hands flailing, he insisted I add the “single car discount”. I couldn't because it doesn’t exist. Then he demanded that I remove whatever commission was factored into the premium. I couldn't do that either because a) I have no idea what that is, b) it would be considered rebating and it’s illegal and c) insurance agents are supposed to work for free now?

I was very nice, even apologizing that I could do none of these things for him when he pulled the old standard, “Let me tell you, I’ve shopped around and found way better rates someplace else”. I hear this day in and day out as well and while it does happen sometimes (not often, really), it’s normally because all insurance policies and companies are not created equal.

Butthole: "So you WILL do something for me or I will take my business elsewhere."

At this point, I really wanted to tell the guy that technically, he didn’t even have any business here. His one auto policy has lapsed over a month ago, but I’m a nice person so I offered to look over the quote he was given by this other insurance company to see if we were looking at something even comparable. Of course it wasn’t, but even worse, this guy was considering leaving the pleasantness of his good neighborly type insurance company for THIS place. Enjoy.

Perhaps this gentleman and The Eagle Man both share a love of blowing smoke out their ass, I don’t know. I question the judgement of anyone who would actually call that company after seeing that commercial. That’s just, well, freakin' cuckoo.

Butthole demanded the same rates. I showed him that they are only offering him the state minimum coverage and if that’s what he’d like here, he can have it (and for less money, too!) but I couldn’t recommend that because I knew this guy owned a house insured with another company. Driving is very risky! If he’d like to leave himself open to losing his home as a result of an accident, then by all means, go with the state minimum coverage. If not, then I would recommend him leaving his policy as it is. Well, except for the lapsed status.

Spat ensues. More of a spit, actually. He screamed, he yelled, he flailed and demanded I give him the higher coverage for the lower rate or I’m not going to like what happens. The only thing I told him I was about to do at that point was to call 911 and ...

There is was. He wasn’t only blowing smoke out his ass, he was spitting right at me. As I picked up the phone to call the police, he fled and I cursed, “swearapy style” and sprayed myself off with Lysol straight from the can.


The best part about this story is that the guy called back the next day wanting to know if I would write his homeowner’s insurance policy so he would be eligible for a multi-line discount.

WTF? NO you freak and I’m telling you, if he comes in again, he’s going to find out what “I’ve got something for YOOOOOOOU!” actually means.

Surgical removal of a Catboot heel. Not pleasant at all.

I hope he has insurance for that.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

June Is Bustin' Out All Over

One April may have cried and stepped aside and a May might not have kept her promises, but a certain TV “June” is bustin’ out all over!

It isn’t June Cleaver, but close. It’s Shirley Partridge! Shirley Jones, the Flower Power TV Supermom, always there for her children with a smile, a song and a stenciled school bus, will be appearing topless (at age 75) in an upcoming episode of A&E’s “The Cleaner”.

Jones will portray a “washed up, alcoholic chanteuse” (it’s ok, I had to look it up, too) who attempts to convince her husband that they should go to an AA group or rehab or something. He feels he is too old, so she throws open her bouquets and asks if he’s too old for...well, her buttercups. OK? No, not with me! That's definitely not OK!

I admit, I might just be a little jealous since nobody is blowing 76 trombones over my own AA (size, not group) cups, but why, Shirley, why would you do this?

Did that Bratt Benjamin only offer the part as All Er Nothin?
You definitely weren’t the girl who Cain’t Say No!

You don’t know what you’re up against
You don’t know what it’s all about
You’ve got so much to think about...

Are you trying to shed your Marian The Librarian image? You already did that, Mrs. P, when you won an Academy Award for your performance as a prostitute in Elmer Gantry.

You’re an icon to many of us so called Rock Chick’s (who also adore musical theater and Partridge tunes), but never mind me. What will your children and grandchildren think? Their hearts might just stand still and not in a Da Doo Ron Ron way.

Shirley, please reconsider. I KNOW I Loved You when you were worried that people would even say you’re in love. I can’t even imagine what they’re going to say about this!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Culture Club

I have some exciting news! No, Boy George didn’t ask me to sing with him on a remake of Karma Chameleon. Even better!!! I’ve been asked to be a regular contributor to a blog I much admire...Diversity Ink. I can’t even tell you how excited and honored I am to be asked to write with this group.

Earlier this year, my friend Malcolm of Pop Culture Dish opened Diversity Ink along with several other top notch bloggers. His hope for Diversity Ink is as follows:

“One of the reasons the racial divide continues is that members of a particular ethnicity may talk amongst each other about race issues, but not to members outside their race. Also, because race is such a sensitive issue, people are reluctant to come out in the open with any of their views, questions, etc. My hope is that Diversity Ink might lead to the bridging of the divide and the breaking down of some of these walls.”

My first contribution to Diversity Ink is entitled Black and Blue and it's about the traffic stop involving Ryan Moats and a Dallas police officer. Head on over there, check it out and let me know what you think!