Friday, August 8, 2008

Bring Home The Bacon

They say you learn something new every day and I’ve discovered two things already this morning. Ok, it was really three, but one was that my bloggy friend, Damien, walks around the house naked and I just really don't want to think about that. :)

The first (as you will see in a second here) is that there are far too many people named Jessica now. When I was born in 1966, nobody was named Jessica, except for me and the Jessicas Lange and Tandy. It was my name and if I ever overheard anyone say “Jessica”, I knew they were talking about me.

Because really, nobody talks all that much about Lange and/or Tandy, right?

Anyway, here's a chart to prove what I'm saying.

You can see how low on the totem pole “Jessica” was in 1966. I don’t know what caused the name to explode in the 80’s, but now too many people have that name. Half the time I don’t even know who I’m talking about anymore. Not only do you have your original Jessica The Rock Chick, but now there's Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, babies in wells named Jessica, Jessica Rabbit and people like Sarah Jessica Parker trying to sneak the name in.

This is just madness, people.

The second thing I learned is that this Jessica will never do an internet search on “bacon strips” again. The nutritionists keep saying it’s bad for you and now I completely understand Hang on. I’ll tell you. Patience is a virtue, remember?

Since this Jessica (me) has been trying to battle her daughter’s eating disorder, I have been reading and trying to absorb all food and eating related information that I can get my hands on. It’s not easy. Sometimes the amount of food my daughter must consume at a meal is overwhelming. Even to me and I can eat a lot.

My bloggy buddy, Jessica Morris, tried to sneak vegetables to her family using a recipe by Jessica Seinfeld, Jerry’s wife. She made something called “Death Row Brownies” featured in her cookbook, Deceptively Delicious, that were supposed to not only be the most mouthwatering brownies ever created, but chock full of spinach and carrots, too.

I told Jessica Morris that I’ve hard of people using “funny ingredients” in brownies before, but never spinach and carrots.

To Jessica’s (not me, Jessica Morris) dismay, the brownies were not deceptively delicious as Jessica Seinfeld’s husband, Jerry, claims them to be. Although, what does he know? Doesn't he eat cold cereal all the time?

Jessica Morris said they were so awful that they could be used as a potential torture device for death row inmates.

Hey, maybe that’s not a bad idea! They do sound well balanced and could possibly help this guy here to the left to lose enough weight to be executed. Who knows? Just a thought.

Anyway, even though Jessica Seinfeld’s Death Row Brownies recipe sounded fatal to me from the get-go, it did get me thinking about trying to incorporate (ok, hide) nutritional foods into other foods so that my daughter (who is not named Jessica, by the way) would be sure to get balanced meals even if we were having a bad eating day.

Breakfast seems to be the hardest for us here in the house and the only breakfast meat my daughter will eat is bacon. She doesn’t want to actually eat bacon every day, so I decided to search the internet to see what else can be done with bacon, so it doesn’t get boring just eating plain old strips.

I’m sorry I looked. Next time I need bacon advice, I will go to an expert and ask my friend, Shelly. Apparently, this is what some people do with bacon when they tire of eating it.

Freakin’ EGADS! WTF?

I’m not even talking about the bacon bra! I’m wondering who would take a picture like this and post it to the internet without shaving their armpits first! This “model’s” name better not be Jessica, is all I’m saying.

In case you aren’t interested in bacon lingerie, I learned you can also make bacon briefcases.

How do they get the handle to stay on? Just for a little bacon fun, there's also bacon bandaids for the "after your cholesterol test from eating too much bacon", too.

I could ponder what the free toy inside the bacon bandaids would be, but it’s time for me to head to work and go bring home some proverbial bacon. After these pics, it’s the only bacon I can stomach today. Except for Kevin Bacon, of course. In my recipe book, he’s always sizzlin’!

Hmmmmm....I wonder if he cooks?


Damien said...

LOL. If no one is around and I can get away with it, I will even read my morning internet naked! Now I have you really scared!!!

I love the use of meat in these pictures. Odd and cool!

Jessica Morris said...

om my word. this is the funniest post ever. loved it.
the bacon bra is fascinating. I was wondering about those arm pits too. No way it could be a fellow Jessica.

My mum named me Jessica because it wasn't a popular name ... but the year I was born it was the top name I believe. Or at least close to the most popular. At camp one year there were four Jessica's in my cabin and three Sarah's.

One day I plan on trying more of the recipes from Jessica's Seinfeld's cookbook. I'll let you know if it's possible to hide healthy food :)

Has your daughter tried cooking food herself? Would that make it easier for her or be enjoyable?

Jenny McB said...

I am going to have nightmares tonight...bacon and boobs, yuck. Reading about the brownies reminded me of a zucchini chocolate cake I make occasionally and it's really good.

Breakfast and kids, my 17 y/o doesn't eat breakfast, I didn't either, but like me, his eating habits are horrible the rest of the time. Sometimes people just aren't hungry that early, but unfortunately with a school schedule, it's not like they can snack anytime. Good luck with the bacon thing..guess it could be worse.

Karina said...

I think there is a whole community of bacon lovers out there who come up with these things...seriously!

Did you know there are "bacon lollipops" too? I actually taste tested one and blogged about it recently here:

By the way, how weird is it that as I was typing this comment, and watching a dance show on tv, they started playing th theme from Footloose?

The Freelance Guru said...

The bacon bra is an intriquing but any man having sex with you after wearing it could quite probably end up with Food poisoning, and that's really not the kind of thing you want going around about you.
"Jessica no 9,087? Yeah, Her tits gave me diarohea"

The Rock Chick said...

Damien: Yes, I'm scared! LOL The bacon pics kind of amaze me, too. I wonder how people think of these things!

Jessica: Sooooo right! It can't be a fellow Jessica or we will have to banish her!!! She will have to get demoted and use it as a middle name like Sarah Jessica Parker. :)

Jenny: did you sleep ok? I didn't want anyone to have nightmares LOL I'm not much of a breakfast eater either. I actually prefer breakfast food for dinner sometimes.

karina: I saw bacon lollipops once! I can't even imagine. I will check out your review of them :)

freelance: you crack me up! Maybe that's the reason she didn't shave! It's a turnoff in case the bacon bra was intriguing. A method to madness.

Crystal said...

This is disturbing on so many levels!

This Eclectic Life said...

Hey! Are you trying to make me drool? The bacon bra didn't do it for me, but Kevin is marvelous. You know I love anything "bacon". Well, nearly and it's horrible for my cholesterol levels. What have you done to me!

Jessica Morris said...

that bacon bra gave me nightmares.

thought ya might like to know :)