Friday, March 2, 2007

Crazy For You

Since it would be very unlike The Rock Chick not to have an opinion on something, I’ve thought about it and come to the conclusion that Anna Nicole Smith was stoned all the time because everyone in her life was absolutely out-of-their-mind self-centered and crazy. I think if I had to hang around with that cast of characters on a regular basis, I might be tempted slip into a binge of a chemical romance, too.

Today Anna Nicole was finally and rightly laid to rest next to her son, Daniel. Immediately before the funeral, her mother, Virgie, tried one more time to get control of her remains and was denied, thank goodness. I just heard now that Daniel’s father wants his son's body exhumed and reburied in Texas. What on earth is wrong with these people?

In case you hadn’t heard, Anna Nicole passed away almost a MONTH ago. Since then her remains have been in the morgue decomposing rapidly while people who claim to be crazy about her have been fighting in court like crazy people over where she should be buried. I’m not sure if anyone has seen decomposing human remains, but when I was a Criminology student I did, and let me tell you, it’s not pretty.

In order to hurry through the madness, The Rock Chick proposes that everyone forget about the court system and let’s solve this with some good, old fashioned boxing. Before anyone gets all riled up that it wouldn’t be a fair fight, let me just say this. If what Virgie is saying about Howard K Stern is true, she would have gone over and kicked his ass a long time ago just like any good mom would do if someone were screwing with her daughter and grandson.


In this corner wearing a fuzzy housecoat, hair curlers and a badge, we have Anna Nicole’s mother, Virgieeeeeeeeee. She hasn’t spoken to Anna Nicole in what is rumored to be a ten year period of time, but now won’t be able to survive unless her remains and about $486 million dollars are buried in Texas.

In the opposite corner wearing short hair and a big “K” on his shorts (so you don’t confuse him with the other sleazy Howard Stern), we have Howard Kaaaaaaaaaaay Stern. He claims to know Anna Nicole better than anyone and says she would have wanted to be buried next to her son. Of course she would. Anna Nicole was the sanest one in the bunch.


A jab from Virgie because she’s the momma. Howard dances and JAB! Virgie ducks but gets hit with a strong left hook. He’s her baby’s legal father, they had a long-standing relationship, a commitment ceremony and a planned wedding date.

OHHHHHHH, OUCH! Definitely time to take out the trailer trash.

After 46 rounds, the Rock Chick rules by unanimous decision that Howard K Stern, (sleazy as he may be), does indeed sound like “next of kin” or “who to contact in an emergency” to me.

One problem solved. Now, onto the whole “Who’s The Baby’s Daddy?” drama. Personally, I think this would make a great Maury Povich episode, but I don’t think that will happen. In order to settle this mess, The Rock Chick proposes her second favorite trailer trash sport.....NASCAR!!

In first position is the baby’s legal father, Howard K Stern. Following close behind him in Car #2 is photog Larry Birkhead who is gaining speed. Falling back a little is the fake Prince WhatsHisName, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband. At the back of the pack, but still in contention are Anna Nicole’s imprisoned stalker Mark Hatten, bulky bodyguard Alexander Denk and even J. Howard Marshall, the billionaire octogenarian husband who has been dead for like 12 years or something.


The Rock Chick immediately red flags all of them with a penalty for having unprotected pit stops with a drug addict who sleeps around with other very creepy men. Ewwwwwwwww.

It’s the final lap and Birkhead is in the lead....almost, almost, almost......ooohhhhh, Howard K Stern moves in with a sleazy legal maneuver (which, in case anyone hasn’t noticed is probably the reason they are in the Bahamas to begin with) and wins the race! I’m not saying it’s right, but I think that’s how the checkered flag will drop.

Good night, Anna Nicole. I hope you can finally find some peace up there in the heavens with all the other stars.


Jessica Morris said...

LOL your whole entry had me laughing, especially the boxing part... what an image!
Yesterday on the news they had two 19yr old girls from Atlanta they've dubbed "The Barbie Bandits" - I guess you more write about high profile stars, huh? But it made me think of you.
I love how you write and your take on things.

amy said...

what a great are good with words..i cant believe James Brown took over 2 months to be buried..yuck!

Steph said...

Does this whole sad affair not want to make you just take a shower to get clean? Sadly though, I think taking a shower wouldn't quite do it. Maybe a Clorox dip or three, but the water has to be scalding.

This post made me laugh my butt off!

I hope she and her son are at peace, at least Howard K. can't give them any more drugs where they're at. I hope her daughter isn't the next victim of ego, stupidity, arrogance, and materialism. I also truly, TRULY, hope he's not the father, what a great role model he'll make... "now honey, this is how you find your meal ticket and punch it until you completely grind it to bits". Did I say UGH already? He truly gives me the creeps and I bet he ends up with that baby just because it's SO very wrong!

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