If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me....

I have no dial tone on my phone. I contacted MCI customer service (I'm using that term loosely) and waited 9 cell phone minutes while they did some sort of check on the line. They informed me that it's working perfectly. It's not. I have no dial tone on my phone. No wonder they have unlimited local and long distance calling. Since you have no dial tone, all calls are imaginary and there's no limit to the imagination.

They said to unplug all of the phones for 10 minutes and then plug them back in. I did. It didn't work so I called back. I waited 16 cell phone minutes before a pleasant, but notreallywhatiwouldcallenglishspeaking, woman got on the line.

"Iz thees Mees Tzesseeka?" she asked me. Yes, that's me. Miss Jessica. Who the hell else would waste 16 cell phone minutes waiting for customer service to pick up because Mees Tzesseeka has no dial tone? We had to verify that I am indeed Mees Tzesseeka by providing the number I am calling about, the amount of the last bill I paid, my social security number and my mother's maiden name. The last time I was interrogated like this was when I was trying to purchase cold medicine from the pharmacy so that they can be assured that I'm not manufacturing crank in my basement or something.

She asked me if Meester Steeeeve was home. He wasn't, but what difference could that make?

"Yooo know what iz a screwDRIver? she asked, accenting the wrong syllable.

I hate to brag, but not only do I know what one is, I can even operate the ohsocomplicated SCREWdriver. Unless, of course, she was talking about a mix of vodka and orange juice. I swore off alcohol after New Years, but this phone call was making me reconsider my decision.

She said to locate the phone box outside, unscrew it and plug one of my phones into it. Well, I located the box, unscrewed it (imagine that!) and lo and behold, it's so old, there is no place to plug in a modern era phone.

I called back and waiting 12 more cell phone minutes. They said since their test shows that everything is fine and I don't have something called "Inside Wire Insurance" (which I've never even heard of) I have to pay them $180.00 for someone to come to my house and determine if there's a problem. That sounds reasonable. I'm supposed to give the phone company two days pay for them to come to my house and tell me what I already know. I have no dial tone on my phone.

I'm thinking since we all already have cellphones, I have better ways to spend my money. I may just let the phone company borrow my SCREWdrivers and let them go screw themselves.