Thursday, November 20, 2008

Sex, Lies and Videotape

If anyone is looking for someone to cozy up with this holiday season, you might be glad to know that sex taping Paris Hilton is back on the market. Yes, she and Benji Madden, brother of Nicole Richie’s baby daddy, have split. Sad, right? I’m not even sure I’m not even sure I’m going to be able to get out of bed tomorrow.

Oh wait, I can’t get up anyway because my back hurts so bad. Darn it!

This isn’t my only gossip. Hysteria Lane is in a tailspin and they all know I'm trapped in my house so I can't even hide from them. Not that anyone is innocent in the following story, but I have changed the names to protect the guilty. You know, so nobody comes after me and drowns me in a bathtub or disappears me or something sinister.

Guess who else has split? You’ve all heard me talk about my friend, Cami, right? Cami (that’s my nickname for her-short for Camilla Parker Bowles) has been having an eighteen year affair, as well as a secret love child, with a married man. Long story short, Cami found out (after quite an extensive surveillance project, I must say) that Prince Charming was not only two-stepping on his wife, he was two-timing Cami, too.

Is that three-timing? I don’t know. What I do know is that there was some 22 year old girl who was recently diamonded by this serial shyster.

I say “was” because Cami went berserk. Downright bonkers. She called the fiancee. She called Prince Charming’s current wife, one of his ex-wives and the rest of his babies’ mamas (there’s five mamas in all) and told them about the previously secret sibling of their children.

It seems that unbeknownst to Cami, current wife (we’ll call her Diana for simplicity's sake) was becoming suspicious. Not suspicious of Cami, but of the new chickadee. She said she tried to toss him out on his dupa (my grandmother’s favorite word) now that she’s finished nursing school and has a steady job of her own. A violent fight ensued and she says Prince Charming threatened to kill her, so she let him stay.

A call to the previous ex-wife revealed that shortly after their divorce, Prince Charming wanted to reconcile. He wooed her non-stop, but neglected to tell her that he had already married Diana at that point and was sleeping with Cami, too. When she found out and threatened to tell Diana, Prince Charming threatened to kill her, too.

YIKES! Can anyone say Drew Peterson? I have got to stop answering my phone and I have got to help Cami find a job so she has something else to do. Better yet, if I found a way to fix my back more quickly, I can return to work so I won’t have time to listen to all of this!

Anyway, all of Prince Charming’s baby mamas are meeting for pizza on Saturday night so that all of the siblings can meet. I told Cami that I don’t think it’s a good idea. Prince Charming obviously isn’t all that charming and let’s face it, Cami is a hoochie mama and a little bit sleazy, too. If he doesn't try to do her in, one of the baby mamas just might.

I used to work with Cami at the police station and when she got pregnant, she had slept with so many of the guys there that somebody made a mug shot lineup of a lot of the guys with “Whose The Baby’s Daddy?” written on the top. I have zero doubt that Prince Charming is the father of her baby. One look at her will tell you that. She is like a mini carbon copy. Good looking is the only admirable trait I can use to describe him.

I wish I had the skills to make this shit up, people. I’d have my NaNoWriMo novel written in no time, right?


Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. said...

My god. That sounds like one big cluster f***. Yikes. I hope it works out okay for your friend.

Jenny McB said...

Are they going to draw names at the pizza party for Christmas gifts?
What a pig this guys is.

Dustin said...

If it wasn't all so sad and frightening, it might be funny.

But seriously, did Cami really think she was the only one that "Charming" was sleeping with on the side? Naive, much?

Malcolm said...

Ironically, while reading this post, I was listening to "Policy of Truth" by Depeche Mode.

When you mentioned that Cami found out that PC was stepping out on both her and his wife, it reminded me of a scene in the 1949 film "All the King's Men". The lead character (the Governor) is married, but fooling around with one of his assistants. The assistant is upset when she finds out about the flings he's having on the side. When she says's to a male assistant that the Governor is two-timing her, the male assistant says back to her: He's two timing Lucy (his wife), so it's a new kind of arithmetic for what he's doing to you.

I think that PC is going to find out that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Only in his case, it's women.

Crystal said...


So how did the meeting go?