Monday, April 7, 2008

Tossin' and Turnin'

I couldn’t sleep at all last night.

I couldn’t get my mind to turn off a scary movie. No, it’s not called Insomnia.

This one’s even more frightening. It's called Root Canal: Part 3.

Yes, just when you thought it was all over, there’s another sequel.

Root Canal 3, starring me and premiering this morning, probably won’t be much different than Root Canals 1 and 2 featuring lots of torturous devices, screaming, pain and panic. You know the drill :)

Needless to say, my dental phobias got the best of me last night and I tossed and turned for hours and then finally decided to just get up and take a bubble bath with my latest rag mags...aka tabloids!

And, oooooh, I’m so glad I did! While skimming articles about a pregnant man and Julia Robert’s sister-in-law setting her house on fire, I found a doozy of a story in The National Enquirer. An article describing the upcoming nuptuals of Jamie Lynn Spears and her baby's daddy, Casey Aldridge!

Personally, I can't get enough of the Spears' shenanigans and this one doesn't disappoint, either!

Seems the two young lovebirds don’t want to spend too much money on the wedding, so they’ve decided to keep it casual having a traditional shotgun ceremony in a broken down barn in the woods. They will be arriving in style in a wagon pulled by a John Deere tractor.

After a barefoot ceremony in the hayloft, the groom and his buddies will grab their weapons for a shotgun salute. Then they will see if they can add some fresh possum and squirrels to the already extravagant Kentucky Fried Chicken and Budweiser buffet.

All they need is a wedding cake made out of Hostess Ding Dongs and they've got themselves a part-ayyyyy!

Are you planning on attending but worried about where you’ll sit? Don’t be. They plan to have bunches of comfy old tires laying around so you can rest your doggies. When you get your energy back, you can dance along to the country tunes from Casey’s battery operated radio or even go tossin’ and turnin’ and mud wrestle in Jamie Lynn’s old kiddie pool!

Speaking of Jamie Lynn, we all know she is pregnant, but will she wear white? Not likely. Rumor has it she is making her own wedding dress out of a K-Mart plastic poncho and camouflage shorts.

Smart girl. That outfit will come in handy when she realizes what a disaster her wedding has become. She’ll simultaneously be able hide and protect herself from nauseated guests. Hopefully, the shorts will be long enough so that she doesn’t accidentally flash her “Britney”, either.

Mama and Papa Spears must be so proud! Their oldest daughter’s first name is now slang for female genitalia and the youngest, sixteen and pregnant, hitching up in total redneck style! And who says Mama Spears’ parenting book wouldn’t be a worthwhile read?

Even though the Enquirer broke the weddin’ details, they are completely hush hush on the honeymoon story. All they will say is that it will take place at an undisclosed location.

I’ll take a guess. Monster Truck rally? NASCAR race?

I'm sure I could come up with some more, but I'm a little sleepy :)


Gorilla Bananas said...

Hehe, these Spears girls are certainly fertile! Maybe they have a sixth sense that tells them when they're ovulating - or maybe they just fuck a lot.

bsmommy said...

Oh this is so hilarious.

bsmommy said...

Oh this is so hilarious.

This Eclectic Life said...

You are a riot, lady. So funny even when you are paranoid! I hope the root canal went well. Good thoughts are coming your way. Fat lot of good they do, eh?

Kendra said...

hey woman, i've missed reading your tales but i think i'm back! good luck with that root canal. i remember how much you dislike dentists and all of your bad luck! i feel for ya!

Crystal said...

I hope the root canal sequel went well!

The Spears are just wacko. All of them.

bsmommy said...

My girl got a CDR yesterday! That's a referral...but it was for a silly thing. I posted it on my blog.

Qtpies7 said...

My mom has shopped at Hussey's, lol. So true that they have wedding gowns and ammunition and groceries all in one store.

JAM said...

I can understand the Spears. We're all from Louisiana, and putting themselves in Los Angeles is guaranteed tabloid material. Their shenanigans wouldn't raise an eyebrow in Louisiana, but to the rest of the world? Magic.