Hey Jealousy!

I haven’t posted for several days because I’ve been totally introspective and meditating. Ok, not really. I’ve been hiding from my friends and neighbors because jealousy has once again reared it’s ugly head on Hysteria Lane.

If you caught the real Desperate Housewives this week, on Wisteria Lane, Lynette’s husband reacted with jealousy over her relationship with another man, while Lynette kept insisting that “nothing happened”.

Let me give you a clue, Lynette. Despite your insistence that “nothing happened” (I hate that phrase!) obviously something happened or your husband wouldn’t be so crazed with jealousy that he’s throwing bricks through the man’s window and your kids wouldn’t be burning down his restaurant. I mean that’s not how people normally react to friends.

In true ironic fashion, my Catphone has been ringing off the hook with calls from my own friend, Lynette. She’s discovered that, once again, her husband Tom has a “nothing happened, I swear!” friend when she discovered provocative text messages and e-mails he and a coworker have been sending back and forth.

You’d think he would have gotten the message the first time this happened with this woman. Apparently not and she’s ready to toss his crap on the front lawn again.

I begged her not to only because I don’t want him on my couch. Selfish, I know.

Later, Tom came over all upset. Doing his best Bill Clinton imitation, he kept repeating something similar to “I didn’t cheat. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. What I did was like just looking at porn or something, no?”

Um, no, and I think you’re about to get a lesson in what the definition of “is” is.....

What it “is” is an emotional affair!

I tried my best to explain that just because there wasn’t any physical contact, doesn’t mean he didn’t do anything wrong. Lynette is upset about what he did do, not what he didn’t do. He pretended for a long time not to get it. Ok, whatever. Denial is not just a river, I guess. He can look it up. I’m not a freakin’ Public Service Announcement.

The very next day, my Catphone was ringing again from another friend who just wanted to know if I thought that men and women can truly be “just friends”.

Uh oh!

Yes, of course, they can, but I figured there was more to this story, too. Oh, and there was.

He, too, had a “nothing happened” friend that caused his wife’s brown eyes to turn neon green and actually serve him with divorce papers! They did reconcile, but he’s wondering why his wife is upset that he wants to be “just friends” with his former “nothing happened” friend.

Ummm, hello????? Do you hear yourself or am I the only one listening to our conversations?

Neither of these people are stupid or moronic or anything. How can they keep insisting “nothing happened” when their spouses are turning green with jealousy and burning down buildings, throwing their crap on the front lawn or serving them with divorce papers?

Is this truly denial or do you think that the majority of people do not believe they are cheating unless there is physical contact?

I already know what I think. I’m curious to hear what you all have to say!