Friday, January 11, 2008

I'm Open

Yesterday, I looked like this.

Well, almost. My shoulders aren’t that wrinkly.

I’ve been doing everything I’m supposed to for my TMJ problems. I let them grind at my teeth to adjust my bite and I wear my splint despite the phallic shaped item that protrudes from my Angelina Jolie lips.

I practice my relaxation exercises and I take my medicine. I avoid any food that need excessive chewing.

Still, I suffer with this because I am a “clencher” and can’t seem to stop doing this when anxious. (Which, as you know, is most of the time.)

My dental hygienist keeps suggesting that I get daily massages. What a great idea! I would do that, but my live-in beefcake masseuse recently quit on me to take a job with American Gladiators. It’s really hard to find good help.

Anyway, yesterday I came home for lunch and made myself a delicious ham and swiss cheese sandwich. I opened my mouth to take a bite. Pop. Click. Grind. Crunch.


My mouth was stuck open. I’ve experienced “stuck shut” before, which I have to say is FAR more attractive and at least allows me to practice my ventriloquism skills. Stuck open is frightful!

How do I even call anyone to say my mouth is stuck open?

What if it couldn’t be closed? Was my mother right when she said “don’t make that face, it could get stuck that way!”?

What would I do if I resembled a human blow up doll from now on?
I do like blue eye shadow. Maybe I could pull it off. Those pigtails have to go, though.

Will I have to change my name to Bambi or Candi? I think I’d prefer something more exotic like Porsche or Mercedes. VVVRROOOOM!

Maybe I could dress myself up in a nurse’s costume and call myself something like “Hot Flash”! That’s a little closer to believable for me :)

Sobbing and hyperventilating, I hopped in my car and drove to my dentists office. Certainly with all the specialists in the office and the various torture devices, someone must be able to help me. If not, they probably have something to knock me unconscious, right?

No worries, my friends! They did help me and they didn’t even laugh. At least, they didn’t laugh in front of me. I’d probably giggle, too, if I wasn’t happening to me, but they are professionals. I'll spare you the gruesome details.

What a relief!
This is NOT a good look. Even on the blow up doll :) Seriously, how "desirous" would you have to be?

I don’t get these things at all.


julia said...

That must have been scary. But I have to say, you make even a horrible situation so laugh-out-loud funny - I just split a gut! And I agree, it's not a good look for non-blow-up-dolls. Very relieved to hear it was fixable.

Karina said...

I'll agree with Julia, only YOU could take something that horrible and turn it into a hillarious blog post. Thanks for that. And I'm glad they were able to "fix you" at the dentist's office!

FRIGGA said...

How horrible - I'd be crying too!

JAM said...

Wow, what a nightmare.

I mean, your mouth getting stuck open can happen to anyone, but not being able to finish a delicious ham and swiss sandwich?

As we say in the south, "Thayut ain't raht!"

Harlekwin said...

Oh you poor thing! That must have been so uncomfortable, I can't even imagine.

I was going to be a smart-aleck and say the only time my mouth gets stuck open is when I shove my foot in it... oh, I guess I did say it *g*

Thank goodness for dental professionals being professional. I hope it's not to sore today.

Penelope Anne said...

OKay I cry for you, but I am laughing with you too....your fault you showed the blow up doll.
I don't have TMJ the dentist says, but my knees lock, really a hellish life.

Uhm, poem is open for voting:

If you like it, I'd love your vote, and you can share the link if you like the poem.

Jessica Morris said...

Ohh - are you watching American Gladiator?? I looooove that show!!

rileycentral said...

Oh dear God that must have been awful. Funny how it didn't affect your clear speaking through writing ;)

The Rock Chick said...

Julia: thank you! When life gives me lemons, I make lemonade!

karina: just one of my many talents ;) Thank you!!!

frigga: oh yeah, I was crying, no doubt!

jam: I know, that delicious sandwich went uneaten and had to be tossed in the garbage. That's not right at all!!!

harlekwin: showing my foot in my mouth may just be the cause of my TMJ!!! LOL It happens to the best of us!

penelope: I know, my fault about the blow up doll thing. But the similarity was too good to pass up! I'm laughing about it too, now!

jessica: Yes, I love American Gladiator!!

damien: nope, I'd have to dislocate my fingers for that! Even then, I have that voice typing software. I can't imagine that I'd ever have to be silent :)

Crystal said...

Oh no, I would have freaked out for sure. How in the world did they fix it? It's a sickness, I must know!!

Kendra said...

oh my goodness! there has to be something more they can do for you! what if that happens while you're a few hours from home or on vacation???????

sorry, i'm just a realist. :)

Fourier Analyst said...

My jaw slips into "lock mode"if I open my mouth to wide to yawn or something. Fortunately, after a few scary incidents, my dentist taught me how to manually manipulated it back into place. This was immensely useful when it happened at a more intimate moment (I spare you the details and leave it to your imagination!).

Nonetheless it is a scary and helpless feeling, not to mention embarrassing and feeling ridiculous!