Two Of A Kind (Thursday Thirteen #32)

Imagine me perusing my local Books-A-Million bookstore.

I’ve been reading a lot of detective fiction and true crime lately and was seeking out a juicy/scandalous biography. As I reached for Rita Cosby’s book about Anna Nicole Smith (I’m curious about the alleged Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead love affair) the light shifted and a fabulous shiny glow beamed off of two other books on the shelf. Seriously. These books...





I know you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, and Lord knows I really try not to, but it happens. Sometimes. If I were to write books, which is a secret fantasy of mine, these would be exactly the covers I would would want!

“Bitter Is The New Black” and “Bright Lights, Big Ass” are both memoirs written by fellow Chicagoan Jen Lancaster. I grabbed both of Jen’s books and put down the Rita Cosby. It’s fine. I can’t stand Rita’s voice, anyway and I’d probably hear it in my head reading to me or something.

You really have to read Jen’s memoirs to get the total picture, but she is sassy, saucy, snotty, smart, sweet, silly, strong and sensational... all in one.

Something about her really reminds me of...well....ME! They say we all have a twin out the somewhere and I think Jen Lancaster is my long-lost mental twin. This is a good thing because my physical twin poses naked with guitars on Arizona websites. Soooo not my thing.

Today is Thursday Thirteen...and here’s mine....

THIRTEEN REASONS WHY JEN LANCASTER AND I COULD BE TWO OF A KIND

1. While she is Sex and The City compared to my Desperate Housewives, some of the chaos in our lives is remarkably similar and certainly not self-sought. The things just happen.

2. Although she is a Republican and I am not, somehow we think alike and are definitely both weirdo magnets.

3. I can’t figure out Chicago’s mass transportation system, either. I refuse to ride it any longer since coming back from downtown quite a few years ago, I had a miscarriage on the train. I was absolutely freaked and someone (a train employee, I think) came and told me that Chicago doesn’t consider that a medical emergency and we’d have to meet an ambulance that had been dispatched to the nearest suburban station. As if that wasn’t bad enough, some very creepy lady was trying to pull an earring out of my ear at the same time. Public transportation? Ummmm, no thank you. It’s not just trains for me, though. I feel the same way about airplanes and people who yell “Jesus, don’t take me now!” during severe turbulence, too.

4. She’s as bothered by too naked people as I am!

5. She admits to reading tabloids (A+ in my book!) and wonders about celebrities just like I do! The celebs can deny all they want but I’d say 90% of what’s printed in those usually ends up being proved true several weeks after it appears in Star Magazine.

6. Her gynecologist is my dentist! In the phobia sense. Definitely not in the literal sense because that would be really weird and, not to mention, kind of gross.

7. We have similar worry patterns. The slightest thing can send me off on a worry tangent that somehow involves death and/or maiming. Yesterday I was sure that my sudden loss of vision was because I had an inoperable brain tumor. It took me almost two hours and a Xanax to realize that I was wearing my daughter’s glasses and not mine.

8. She was also a pageant contestant in her youth. I’m betting it was more about the shiny tiara than the title! There’s nothing quite like a crown of diamonds and really, where else are you going to be able to wear one?

9. We both had epiphanies that we should be try to be less judgmental about certain things. Jen, I agree. It’s really hard to do when you’re just so good at it. She learns as she goes, though, and I really like that quality in a person.

10. Our husbands both cook and have a strange fascination with The Food Channel. Left to our own devices, she would eat Lucky Charms for dinner. I would go for Twizzlers. Same difference. I can totally see us being “couple friends”. Banana daiquiris? Bring ‘em on!

11. Like me, she is totally in love with her husband. Through thick and thin, better or worse and definitely richer or poorer, she is there for Fletch and he for her. The love story intertwined with the anecdotes is quite refreshing. I can’t stand people constantly ragging about their spouses.

12. She writes complaint letters! I do, too, although, I rarely send mine for fear of getting an FBI file or something. I don’t know if she actually sends hers or not. I’m curious to find out. Tonight on the news there’s a special about how to get out of the constantly complaining mindset. Why would anyone want to do that? It’s one of the few absolutely free and not taxed luxuries of life!

13. She has a pet pitbull and while I lean more towards rottweilers (named Felony), she is obviously capable of not judging something entirely by the cover. It doesn’t matter how much bling you wear outside if you’ve got nothing inside. Like her wardrobe, the outside of Jen Lancaster’s books are fabulous, but what’s inside is outstanding. If you like me, you will love her!