It's Tricky (Thursday Thirteen #31)

Did everyone have a Happy Halloween?

Halloween celebrations in my neighborhood have diminished significantly since I was kid. A lot of people have really jumped on this “Halloween is offensive” bandwagon.

Whatever! Yes, I am striking an attitude pose.

I know, it’s tricky because it’s been said that no matter what you do, say or write you will for sure offend at least 2% of the people. Just my opinion, but people need to ease up a bit because if you get offended by minor things, it weakens the complaints of the biggies.

If the bumble bees, lady bugs, people who wear crazy masks on days other than Halloween and/or Orange Fanta girls of the world are offended because of my kids’ costumes, well, then, please accept my apology.

I did learn one thing yesterday. It is possible to offend The Rock Chick. I’m not easily offended and it’s been a very long time since I have been.

My idiotic co-worker, The Goonan, was on a phone call and was becoming increasingly perturbed by the caller. I probably should preface this story with “Goonan screwed up her account and now she was quite angry”.

I don’t think Goonan meant to dress up for Halloween, but by the time he slammed the phone down, he looked like a tomato. My apologies to any offended tomatoes.

A split second later, Goonan was on his feet, the phone was flying as far as its cord would allow and he was screaming that the customer he was talking to was....I can’t even say it....THE “C” word. 4 letters and it’s not “cute”.

WTF?

It took me a second to believe what I had just witnessed and my other co-worker, Biker Chick stood there with her jaw dropped. Speechless.

GOONAN! Get out. Yes, I exercised my little bit of authority as the boss’ daughter and told him to get the f* out. Go home.

“You can’t fire me!” insisted The Goonan.

Technically, he is correct. I personally do not have the authority to terminate his employment. I can still kick his ass from here to Timbuktu, though.

Goonan went home and sent me an apology letter via e-mail. He says he had no idea that word was so offensive and he’ll try not to use it again in my presence. Oh gee, how considerate. Thank you.

I discovered that once you are offended by something, it’s easier to get offended by other things.

Today is Thursday Thirteen.....and here’s mine....

THIRTEEN THINGS THAT OFFEND THE ROCK CHICK

1. People who break into my car. I know it’s Halloween, but is that car yours to rummage through? If it is, then you owe me $78.00 because I just bought the new registration tag for it.

2. People who can’t/don’t/won’t control their animals. I love dogs. I usually have several at a time and I know that Rover is definitely a part of the family. If Rover doesn’t like people, though, do you think it’s a good idea to take him for a walk during trick-or-treating hours and not hang onto the leash properly so he can run off and bite my daughter in the butt? How would you like it if I bit you on the ass? Idiots.

3. People who destroy Halloween decorations. Are those your styrofoam tombstones and blinking skeletons? I don’t think they are. Go break things at your mom’s house. See how she likes it.

4. Ann Coulter. Sorry, she just really bothers me.

5. People who are offended by other people’s religious beliefs. You don’t have to agree with them, but different doesn’t mean you have to be offended by it.

6. People who apologize and don’t mean it. Better to just say nothing.

7. People who apologize and then throw in a but....I know I said an awful word, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until I saw your reaction. What? You are 45 years old and raised in this country with English as your native language. Do you really want me to believe you don’t know how bad the “C” word is?

8. Hooches who flirt/chase/proposition married men... my husband, in particular. If you’d ever like to meet JessiCat, this is without a doubt the way to do it. I’ll go all Faith Hill on your butt. I’ll give you a little hint, though. The person I would like to bop on the head, if I had a hammer, is guilty of this.

9. I drive kids other than my own places all the time. I especially drive Tom and Lynette’s (my across the street neighbors) everywhere. To and from school, to work, sports events, etc. Trying to help out, you know, be the good neighbor because I know they are stressed.

Both of our daughters are trying out for cheerleading so Lynette said she would pick them up at 4:00. Great, I thought, I can make it to the grocery store. Halfway through my shopping, the girls called. Lynette didn’t show and wasn’t answering her phone. Fine. I left my groceries and went to get them. If you are supposed to be somewhere, be there or at least call and tell me you’re not going to be there.

10. This gets a double whammy because I showed up at a restaurant to plan my 25th class reunion. Did anyone else from the reunion committee show up? No, of course not. I waited there and finally one of them called to tell me she wasn’t coming because she had too much to drink. Fabulous.

11. Can we please put an end to all of this African American, Mexican American, Italian America, Canine American, Older American blah blah blah stuff? American is a mindset. Anyone can be an American and either you are or you aren’t. Either we stand united or we don’t. ALL Americans. We don’t need subcategories.

12. People who don’t realize that the idiotic way they are driving affects other drivers.

And finally....

13. Too naked people. I have a dress code in my house. I don’t want to see anyone’s boobs, butts or bellybuttons. If I see these things, then what you are wearing is not appropriate. I’m now going to have to add “beepers” (my son’s code word for penis) to this list. I was shopping in the Halloween store and the young man who was my cashier was wearing pants which were belted below his butt. The only thing covering him up were a pair of Halloween boxer shorts. Yes, my packages were not the only visible packages that day. Are you kidding me? Did you do that on purpose or did they just slip that low?

If I wanted to see your boobs, butt, bellybutton or beeper, trust me, I would let you know. Until that time, keep it covered.