If I Had A Hammer

I’d bop someone right on top of the head.

Relax! I’m not going to do it. A head thump would be totally satisfying, but not practical. Prison orange isn’t my best color and I know I would despise picking up trash off the side of the expressway.

Unless that trash should happen the person I want to bop on the head, of course.

When I go into revenge-getting mode, I put on my Catboots. The usually seen Rock Chick side of me is quite passive, sometimes even too passive, but somewhere in there lies “JessiCat”, The Rock Chick’s more devious twin. When The Cat has had enough, look out.

Forget sugar in the gas tank, ex-lax in the brownies or going all Carrie Underwood with a Louisville Slugger on somebody’s car. Those things are only temporarily satisfying, (not to mention criminal) and while annoying, they just don’t convey the proper message.

In order to exact real revenge, you have to be ruthless, go for the jugular and most of all...make sure the person gets your message without being able to prove that it was you, all while remaining within the letter of the law.

This requires some level-headed planning. There is a popular proverb that says “revenge is a dish best served cold” and there is truth to this. You have to be past the initial angry phase and you have to be at the point where the other person doesn’t expect you to jump any longer.

Depending on the violation, this process could take years. You will have to remain still until the opportunity to pounce like a cat presents itself. Don’t worry, you’ll get your chance. I’ve met a lot of catty people in my day and I can assure you that a tiger never changes his (or her) stripes.

My co-workers at my very first job nicknamed me “Ruthie” (short for ruthless) after I devised a teenaged revenge plot for someone that was so utterly sweet, it could have been sold as Valentine’s Day candy. At the massacre, of course.

Since then, I’ve schemed many revenge plots for other people. Fortunately, I haven’t had the opportunities to need them myself other than with Elementary School Principal on occasion. She was so dumb, though, it didn’t present much of a challenge.

In my early 20’s, I met my friend, Camilla. Outwardly, she is much more, let’s say outspoken, than I am, but a fellow plotter she is. I’ve never met anyone who can scheme unscathed like she can. She definitely helped me achieve a razor sharpness to my claws.

I won’t divulge my secret plan because I may have to reenact a few of the highlights.

And just so you know, I did attempt to work this out admirably. I sent a very polite "cease and desist" letter. She didn't respond directly to me, but through a friend instead, because she "doesn't like conflict". Uh huh. I'm thinking if you don't want someone to come hunt you down with a rubber hose, then you shouldn't be starting smoky fires, right?

I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes.

Meow!