Monday, October 29, 2007

If I Had A Hammer

I’d bop someone right on top of the head.

I’m not going to do it. A head thump would be totally satisfying, but not practical. Prison orange isn’t my best color and I know I would despise picking up trash off the side of the expressway.

Unless that trash should happen the person I want to bop on the head, of course.

When I go into revenge-getting mode, I put on my Catboots. The usually seen Rock Chick side of me is quite passive, sometimes even too passive, but somewhere in there lies “JessiCat”, The Rock Chick’s more devious twin. When The Cat has had enough, look out.

Forget sugar in the gas tank, ex-lax in the brownies or going all Carrie Underwood with a Louisville Slugger on somebody’s car. Those things are only temporarily satisfying, (not to mention criminal) and while annoying, they just don’t convey the proper message.

In order to exact real revenge, you have to be ruthless, go for the jugular and most of all...make sure the person gets your message without being able to prove that it was you, all while remaining within the letter of the law.

This requires some level-headed planning. There is a popular proverb that says “revenge is a dish best served cold” and there is truth to this. You have to be past the initial angry phase and you have to be at the point where the other person doesn’t expect you to jump any longer.

Depending on the violation, this process could take years. You will have to remain still until the opportunity to pounce like a cat presents itself. Don’t worry, you’ll get your chance. I’ve met a lot of catty people in my day and I can assure you that a tiger never changes his (or her) stripes.

My co-workers at my very first job nicknamed me “Ruthie” (short for ruthless) after I devised a teenaged revenge plot for someone that was so utterly sweet, it could have been sold as Valentine’s Day candy. At the massacre, of course.

Since then, I’ve schemed many revenge plots for other people. Fortunately, I haven’t had the opportunities to need them myself other than with Elementary School Principal on occasion. She was so dumb, though, it didn’t present much of a challenge.

In my early 20’s, I met my friend, Camilla. Outwardly, she is much more, let’s say outspoken, than I am, but a fellow plotter she is. I’ve never met anyone who can scheme unscathed like she can. She definitely helped me achieve a razor sharpness to my claws.

I won’t divulge my secret plan because I may have to reenact a few of the highlights.

And just so you know, I did attempt to work this out admirably. I sent a very polite "cease and desist" letter. She didn't respond directly to me, but through a friend instead, because she "doesn't like conflict". Uh huh. I'm thinking if you don't want someone to come hunt you down with a rubber hose, then you shouldn't be starting smoky fires, right?

I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes.



Sheila said...

Ok, finally someone besides me has recognized the fact that trashing someone's vehicle with a baseball bat is against the law. Every time I hear that odd song, I want to pull Carrie Underwood aside and ask, "Really? You think that'd be winning?" Best served cold, like you said.

JAM said...

You're right. It's essential that it be legal, and that they understand it was you without there being any way to prove it.

Just don't make it too far in the future. I'm going to be wondering about this now.

Pen and the Sword said...

Color me intrigued ;o)

Kendra said...

you are being WAY to vague with all of this! dish sista!

The Rock Chick said...

sheila: yes, damaging someone's property is never an option. You have to wait it out....

JAM: oh! I don't even find that most instances are worthy of revenge tactics. I'm really much more of a forgive and forget kind of person...but sometimes....

pen: what color would you like to be? LOL

kendra: I can't elaborate right now or I might blow my cover :) You'll get the full story..promise!

shannon said...

Oh I love this post! Sending the link to my gf who does my "plotting" with me! You sound like us! Let me know if you need a hand! ;)
Sometimes I have found that the best revenge is completely ignoring (depending on the situation)-they never expect that someone could care so LITTLE about what they do.

julia said...

LOL Shannon! I find the non-response works best on those who need the biggest ego stroking via crisis-causing. They nearly go stark-raving mad.

Can't wait for the update, JessiCat.

The Rock Chick said...

Shannon and Julia: Ooooooooo.....fellow schemers!! Sharpen your nails, ladies...your offer for assistance is purrrrrrrfect timing! I may just have to take you up on that.

I've tried ignoring. Everytime I ignore her, it gets worse. This definitely calls for drastic measures. Alley cats don't travel on the high road like we do :)

This Eclectic Life said...

Umm...If I did anything to offend you, I am heartily sorry. I don't want to meet Jessicat! She sounds purrfectly frightening!

Vixen said...

I am going to love to see how this turns out, bwahahah

Jessica Morris said...

Haha, you gave me a laugh tonight... I was going to come over here to say "please don't hit me...(we didn't spend money on a costume for Judah!!)"

And then the first thing I read is "If I had a hammer..." lol. Stopped me in my tracks and I was thinking "I haven't even told her we didn't dress him up and she wants to hit me?!" Yes, it's been one of those days.

At 5pm I thought about running out to Old Navy and buying him a monkey costume I heard they had... but I didn't do it, and he survived his first Halloween costume-less!

Poor socially deprived child!

Crystal said...


*Runs away, wondering if she's done something to piss of JessiCat*

Nah, I think I'm good. And if not, surely you have enough decency to not hurt someone as dumb as me. *giggle*

Crystal said...

Ugh.. piss OFF.

See? LOL I keep proving my point. ;)

The Rock Chick said...

Shelly: Oh no! It's not you, no worries!! Sometimes JessiCat even scares me...LOL

Vixen: hopefully, it will turn out as planned. I will keep you up to date :)

Jessica: no costume for Judah? Awwwwww...I was looking forward to seeing a picture! (he better have one next year!) No worries, I won't hit ya LOL

Crystal: no sweetie, it's not you either! Even if it was you, after your bathroom incident, I think I'd have to let it go! LOL

Shannon said...

Ok girls I definitely could have used some assistance yesterday-I had a revenge moment and I took the higher road, but that side of me that grew up in the rural country wanted to do some serious damage. I'm little but I'm scrappy! I've got to add that when I'm on a long run, I think about these things to motivate me to stay in shape in case I have some big beating some day. LOL! Oh and JessiCat my gf who I sent this to is now hooked on your blog too! She said "How did you find this girl? She's SOOO like us!".