Sunday, July 8, 2007

Turn On Your Heartlight

If you read my blog, you already know that I am (for lack of a better “PG rated” word) “chestically challenged”.

When I was younger, it used to thrill me when teachers wrote AAAAAA on my papers. In school, on the grading curve, that means you are tops.

What they neglect to teach you in school is that in the real world and in bra stores, AAAAAA means your top is not very curvy. No amount of studying is going to change that. It's a total bust.

I know, I know, I could cheat and buy them, but I don’t have $8,000 to spend on boobs when I have one kid two years away from college. Even if I could afford it, my aversion to masked medical professionals and the fact that my friends laughed at me when I put the idea out there once would keep me from doing it.

I brought a bunch of glow sticks to the Bon Jovi concert the other night. I enjoy a good glow stick as much as anybody and I thought we could share some and make new friends at the concert with them, too! I'm very nice that way.

So there I was, sweet, little, non-hoochie me, busily assembling adorable glowing necklaces and bracelets, while the glow sticks that my friend is passing out to the others in the crowd are ending up stuck in the cleavage of the much more naughty and chestically endowed...highlighting all kinds of things.

Hmmmmm....I thought. Why didn’t I think of that? I blamed it on my surgical menopause. That hormone replacement pill they give you just does not work at all like the real stuff.

I knew that I certainly wasn’t going to sweep Bon Jovi off his feet with some neon earrings when the other girls had beaming boobies and real hormones, so I decided that I had to twinkle myself up a little bit, too.

I am not even remotely what anyone would consider wild. But, I decided to let loose for once and I, too, stuck a glow stick in my cleavage! Woo Hoo! I had a few beers and I was rock chicking at a Bon Jovi concert with a glow stick in my bra and you’re all probably thinking I was totally hot, right? Maybe even smokin'! I'm over here, Bon Jovi!! Look at me!!!!

Yeah, not so much.

When you don’t really have any cleavage, it’s hard to hold a glow stick “there”. While I danced, it had worked it’s way down inside my shirt to my bellybutton, prompting one of my dearest friends to tell me that I had “kind of an E.T. thing” happening. Completely true and very funny, but definitely not the look I was aiming for.

Don’t get me wrong. I happen to like E.T. He’s very cute, but not really in what I would call a “run away with me, Bon Jovi!” sexpot temptress kind of way, you know?

It was a sign. E.T. has it right when he said “Be Good!” This Rock Chick just doesn’t have it in her to be a bad girl, anyway. Darn respectable upbringing!

I’ll just have to be content with my God given Reese’s Pieces and, at bellybutton level or not, hope that people can see my real heartlight shine wherever I go.


Jamie said...

Now if those anorexic models on the catwalk can come up with boosums with the aid of a wonderbra, you should be able to move from flat to fabulous.

If not, from now on you can refer to the missing pair as do the french who appreciate a mere champagne glass ... you are faux migre. One must be very, very closely and dearly acquainted to view them.

Damien said...

My mom says my niece is already stuffing her bra at 14 . . . the struggle ensues!

FatBlokeThin said...

Poor old you! The ET bit made me lol!

There is more to life than 'chesticals' though. Your words and thoughts make you shine - and if JBJ can't see that, he doesn't deserve you!


Jenny McB said...

So what did the dentist think?
Jamie's right, they got miracle bras and for me to have a cleavage it would take more than one miracle.

I bet you would have been fun to be by at the concert.

The Rock Chick said...

Jamie: Yeah, I've tried! They don't make Wonder and/or Miracle bras in my size. Which is funny, because my size is just what needs them! :)

Damien: I should have started that back then. Then I could get away with it. Now, I imagine, it would look pretty silly :)

Fatblokethin: Thank you!! I couldn't agree more! :)

Jenny: I actually couldn't even find my dentist at the concert! I really thought we had bleacher type seats, which were actually the section ahead of us. We just had sit where you want lawn seats. I scanned the huge crowd as best I could, but I didn't even see the dentist! I'm sure he liked it. How could anyone not like a Bon Jovi concert, right?

Crystal said...

"chestically challenged"

ROFL! You do have a way with words. Stop making me laugh, my tooth hurts!

The Rock Chick said...

Crytal: ouch, sorry! Laughter is the best I've heard anyway :)

JAM said...

Yeah. OK. As a guy, I was simply gonna read this one in ultra-secret/stealth/lurk mode and then move on, but the ET thing had me laughing, big time.

Thank you.

And if I may be so bold, if you are, as your profile says, married with children, then you must certainly have the right amounts of everything for whomever the other half of the married part is, or the children part wouldn't exist.

Jeesh that was funny though. I could SO picture it.

The Rock Chick said...

JAM: Yes, you may be so bold! Thank you for the compliment and for laughing at my story. It was pretty funny!

Yes, I am really married with 4 children so I guess I do have the right amounts of everything...just one of those "the grass is always greener" kinds of things, I guess :)

Thanks for visiting!!!


Marsha said...

My brother who posted to your blog (JAM) sent this to me because I truly understand the need to get the needed attention. I'm a huge Keith Urban fan (I love me some Bon Jovi too, now) and I do whatever possible to get his attention. I had a backstage pass for his Memphis concert and I had to buy a new push up bra (I'm chestically challenged myself) and a new low cut blouse for the meet & greet! I'm far from a hoochie myself but girl, whatever it takes to get their attention. My friends talked me into wearing a T-shirt with mine & Keith's picture from a stage encounter I had with him instead of my low cut number! The T-shirt definately got his attention and I got my picture made standing next to him! Poor thing, didn't even get to see my tiny boosum cleavage! By the way, I see your "I'd rather be at a Bon Jovi concert" sign. I have the same one as a bumper sticker with Keith Urban on it! I can't wait until I can see Bon Jovi down south here in Lousiana!