I haven’t blogged in over a week. It’s not that I didn’t want to. I just haven’t figured out a way to blog while sleeping. Which would be way cooler than talking in your sleep, I think.
I usually don’t sleep very much and I’ve long given up trying since my mind always seems to be on permanent overdrive. I know most people run for the sleeping pills at the thought of insomnia, but not me. Honestly, I prefer it. I like the complete and total quiet time it allows me to use for creative purposes. Sleeping totally cuts into my blogging time. Like Bon Jovi says, I’m gonna live while I’m alive. I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Today is Thursday Thirteen....and here’s mine...
1. The cicadas. They are here. They were supposed emerge from their 17 year slumber in late May and while they did appear in some areas around here, we didn’t have any at our house. Thank God. I hate them. We get the magicicada in this area and they are a 1 1/2 inch (large for Chicago bug standards) flapping, red-eyed, ear-piercing screeching bug that hangs out with about 1,000,000 of his closest look-a-like buddies. The sound they produce is maddening and if you can resist the temptation to stick a fork in your ear, they will get your attention by dive bombing at your face.
Which is what happened to me. I had to walk through a swarm of the creepy things to sign my daughter up for driver’s ed. In the parking lot, one flew right at my face and got itself entangled in my hair. It’s flapping against my head cause me to scream and jump from one foot to the other while swatting at my head in a very small parking lot full of people.
2. While I was busy doing my bug dance, a gust of wind that would make Marilyn Monroe proud came through the lot and simultaneously blew my new Old Navy skirt completely up and around my ears. Did I mention that the people in this very small parking lot were none other than about forty 15 and 16 year old boys waiting to go into their class? All I can say is it’s a good thing I was wearing what my husband calls “granny panties” because I think I totally would have completely died otherwise.
When I told Oldest Daughter this story she was overwhelmingly grateful she was across the country in California with my ex-husband when this happened. Can’t say I disagree.
3. That probably was the only time she was glad to be with him there because, as I’ve said before, he is an ass. Yes, I had to don the CatBoots and kick his. Kind of like a scarlet letter, he should be forced to permanently tattoo butt cheeks on his forehead.
4. Speaking of scarlet letters, I’ve also been busy trying my best to convince someone that he’s gone off the deep end thinking that a trampy bar hooch is the woman of his dreams. I don’t get this whole mid-life crisis thing. I’m hoping that since I’ve been surgically menopaused that this doesn’t happen to me. If it does, I hope those that love me will just take a big stick and crack me in the head until my sense of good judgement returns because I’m running out of patience and that’s exactly what I feel like doing to my friend.
5. So much talk of the skanky hooching “Super Tramp” did get me thinking that it might be kind of cool to get myself a tramp stamp. You know, one of those tattoos on your lower back that show that give people something to look at other than your butt crack when you bend over in low rider jeans. I looked at a bunch of them online and decided thatat my age, just reeks of mid-life crisis and I’m too conservative to show anyone my butt anyway, so I’m probably not going to get one.
6. Twice this week I went out rock chicking for my friends’ band. For one of the gigs, they won my “Suckiest Gig Ever” award. It wasn’t them, they were fine. It was the place. I don’t think it was an entertainment venue per se, but a casting call for “Night of The Living Dead-The Remake”. A bomb could have gone off in that place and no one would have removed their eyes from the 45 blinking TVs on the wall. At the other gig, they opened for one of Chicago’s A list bands. We stayed to watch the other band for a while. This band does a lot of what I call “shtick” and is a little more naughty than I think they need to be, but when some pretty young girl got on the stage, showed everyone her underwear and almost exposed her top half to the entire bar, all I could think of was if that girl was my daughter I would kill her. I’ve decided if that’s what I think when I see that, I must be old.
7. My oldness was confirmed when I realized my kids can now beat me at things. I played tennis for the first time in 20 years with my son. I’m really not that great at any sport, but I used to be able to play a semi-decent game of tennis, with the exception of serving. My 11 year old son (who never played tennis before) completely smeared my butt all over the court. It was terrible. At least I know, though, that I can still serve the ball way over the fence and hit small children on the playground. Oops.
8. I decided to regain my “Yo’ Momma!” status by taking the kids bowling. All of my kids inherited my “Suckiest Bowler Ever” gene and with my 85 bowling average (I told you, I’m bad at all sports), I figured none of them could beat me. They’ve been bowling quite a bit with their friends these last couple of weeks and have obviously picked up some skills. Even though somehow I managed to bowl three strikes in a row in one game (woo hoo!), I made the mistake of letting the kids play with the bumpers. I don’t know where I’ve been, but I thought the bumpers were supposed to be used to prevent gutter balls. My kids actually use the bumpers to angle the balls so that they don’t have to throw straight down the lane like I was trying to do. It seemed to work because they all beat me. They’d all be great pool players.
9. Speaking of pools, I’ve been going to our neighborhood pool working on getting some tan so I will look better if I decide to tramp stamp or have my skirt blow up to my ears again. I bought this super cute new suit and the first time I jumped into the water, the top stretched out so badly that I almost exposed skin that I had no intention of tanning. Fortunately, there’s not much to see because that place is also full of minors.
10. Middle Daughter has been going to summer band at the high school and playing lots of scales, major and minor. As you know, she is quite a talented flautist, but has been very apprehensive about high school. She was a star musician at the Jr. High, but the high school band director has a “No Freshmen” rule in the top level Symphonic Band and additionally, he had also told the Jr. High Director that all flute players would have to change instruments if they were going to continue with band in high school. He had far too many flute players as it was and he didn’t need any more. High School Band Director had obviously never met Middle Daughter, though. She showed up with her flute to the first day of High School Summer Band and literally blew him away. When he was able to pick his jaw off the floor, he certainly started singing a different tune. Not only has Middle Daughter retained her flute and completely crushed the “No Freshmen” in the band rule, she has in the last few days, unseated all of the upperclassmen for the top chair and was given a beautiful piccolo for the upcoming year. She’s really a star!!
11. Last night, amongst the stars, I sat outside hoping to catch a glimpse of the space shuttle. It was clear, but I wasn’t too sure what I was looking for or when exactly it was coming. I was about to go inside to get more coffee when all of a sudden, two bright lights moving simultaneously appeared in the western sky and traveled towards the moon. It was the space shuttle and it was an incredible sight! I’m not sure if it’s coming back again, but if it does and you have a chance, go out and see it!
12. I’ve been hooked on this iced coffee from McDonald’s, although, the first time I ordered it, I didn’t think they put enough ice into it. When I went back the next day, I had a big order asked for extra ice. I passed the drink holder full of cups to one of the kids to hold and when I got home I discovered my iced coffee was hot and there were only like 5 ice cubes in the cup. WTF. I added ice and when I went back yesterday to get another one, I asked for extra ice once again. When the coffee came through the window it was hot and there were 2 ice cubes floating in there.
I said “I asked for extra ice”. The person at the window did not speak English well at all and said “I know”. When I asked why there were only two ice cubes in my hot iced coffee, I was told that “extra” means “a little bit”. It does? I guess you learn something new every day. I learned that if I want the equivalent of “extra ice” in English, I should ask for “more ice” so people can understand me. You know, I had this very conversation with the Burger King Manager last year. He told me that not everyone understands “all the words”. I think that maybe one should have to learn the necessary words for their job. Just thinking out loud, I don’t know. I know it’s asking a lot.
13. And now...in order to get back to blogging and to certainly get my nerves worked up enough so my insomnia returns, I am on my way to see my favorite person, the dentist!!! Ok, that’s not the reason, but it’s the only good that comes from my visits.
I hope you’ve all had a great week! Glad to be back!