Thursday, May 17, 2007

One Toke Over The Line (Thursday Thirteen #16)

Once when my kids were little, we came home from an afternoon at the pool and I told the kids to go change into dry clothes. When I heard shrieking from the bathroom, I ran upstairs and found my 3 1/2 year old son standing on the toilet looking over his shoulder into the big mirror on the wall.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

Not realizing that skin exposed to the sun will tan, my son caught a glimpse of his naked self in the mirror and believed his butt was turning white.

Between fits of laughter, I tried to explain to him that his butt was the same color it’s always been and it was the rest of his skin that had changed color. He didn’t believe me at first. Once he did, he thought it would be better to go to the pool naked so he didn’t have any lines.

I let him know that all lines are there for a reason. The tan line is where it is because, unless you are my neighbor Crazy Eddie, the part that’s “turning white” is yours and private. Nobody should cross that line.

Tan, drawn in the sand or set in stone, we all have our lines. If the majority of the people respected the lines of others, this world would be a much nicer place in which to live.

My post today was inspired by Crystal and the other Jessica, both of whom recently had other people make comments to them that crossed their lines.

Today is Thursday Thirteen and here’s mine....


Thirteen WAYS TO STAY OFF THE ROCK CHICK'S SHITLIST


1. Do not get inappropriately involved with other people’s spouses. I cannot stress this enough. The fallout will extend far beyond the zipper on anyone’s pants.

2. If you absolutely can’t control your extramarital urges, at least throw out a big enough tarp so that other people aren’t left to clean up the crap from your mess. That is really unfair.

3. Unless I’ve told you that I like you...I love you...I’m glad we are friends or something similar that indicates there is more to our relationship than both of us simply being in the same place at the same time...please do not touch me, grab me or rub any part of your body on me.

4. I am also 100% disinterested in seeing anything on your body that crosses standard tan lines.

5. I don’t care how much my shoes turn you on. Payless. $14.99. Go get yourself a pair.

6. Do not come into my house or break into my car and steal my things. I most certainly will let people borrow almost anything I have, except for my husband. I think I’ve already established that back in #1.

7. If I want you to know something, I will tell you. Do not bug other people trying to find out what it is I’m not telling you.

8. Do not put my kids in any kind of potentially dangerous situation. I don’t care if you weren’t sure if the bus driver was drinking or don’t feel qualified to determine if they were drunk. If it occurs to you to try to smell the bus driver’s breath, don’t let the kids get on the bus. Even The Rock Chick says there is nothing at the Rock and Roll McDonald’s worth risking one’s life to see.

9. Do not encourage any of my kids to “bug their mom” (that’s me!) until I change my mind about something to which I’ve already said no.

10. Unless you are planning my surprise birthday party, do not ask my kids to keep something secret from me.

11. Don’t even imply that I am a disinterested parent because I don’t want to attend a “special” PTA meeting to decide if there should be popsicles or pretzels served on “P” day or any other lettered day at the elementary school. You’re right, I don’t care, but this doesn’t make me a disinterested parent.

12. Don’t knock on my door in an attempt to convert me to another religion. If I wanted this information, I would have called you. Please respect my polite “I’m not interested” and stop talking.

13. If you are supposedly trying to pass yourself off as a professional person, then dress the part. I do not want to meet a therapist who looks like they’ve been through the drive-in in their old man’s Ford, behind the bushes and locked in the cellar all on the same day. Nor do I care to go to a Parent-Teacher Conferences and speak to someone wearing a mini-skirt and a tongue ring. I don’t care if there isn’t an “official dress code”. It’s completely inappropriate.



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!



18 comments:

Mitchypoo said...

OK then...you wouldn't have an opinion would you?... just teasing. Frankly, I agree with a lot of these. Thank you for the sarcastic humor today. Happy TT!

http://mitchypoo777.blogspot.com

Aline de Chevigny said...

LOL nice.

Aline

jenny® said...

interesting list! you did a great job composing this...

impworks said...

I'll go along with you on 3 in particular and pretty much all of the others.

This Eclectic Life said...

she said, "Can I get a Witness?"
"Amen, Sister!"

Jenny McB said...

Holy Moly, watch out! Where do people come up with these over the line behaviors? I think that this has become the "entitlement" decade.

Bring back a dress code, so true!
Loved the tan line story, cute.

Danielle said...

Great list... I suspect that you some of these might be directed to specific situations perhaps? I agree with everything on your list. It's unfortunate that we can't all "get a clue".

Crystal said...

Jessica,

Thanks so much for stopping by and for the hugs. I'm so sorry you lost your brother. I can't even imagine how hurtful people must have been. I cringed thinking about it. People can be So.Stupid.

Your #3 is definitely me here! I have a large personal space. And #1? Goodness... why? WHY do people have affairs?

SusieJ said...

I think I'll like you. Great list.

Jessica Morris said...

Haha "I think I'll like you" I love that comment =) It totally cracked me up... ok, maybe I need more sleep!!

Seriously, people need to learn to THINK! Good post!

I loved, loved, loved the story and picture at the beginning!! Have you written down funny things your kiddos have said? I have great dreams of writing those things down!

My inlaws are coming over tonight for the entire weekend, so I may not be online much till Monday or Tuesday, depending on when they leave!
Have a great weekend!

Danica/Dream said...

Could you please tell us how you really feel? ;)

Lady G~ said...

Jessica, you ROCK! Then again, I'm sure you've already been told that. :o)

AWESOME list! I love the way you express yourself. You don't hold back.

Hope you have a blessed weekend.

PS. I guess I must of missed a post. I'm sorry about your brother. Mine passed away 17 years ago. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers...

allrileyedup said...

I allowed myself to be "bullied" into attending a PTA event, only to wind up sitting next to some woman who took it upon herself to tell me, a total stranger, how much her wedding cost and how much the down payment on her house was. And the added explanation that it was ten years ago so it was "a lot more than it would be today."
Also, because she wed in Hawaii, I was subjected to her attempts to pronounce Hawaiian words with a, um, Hawaiian accent?

Never again.

Jeannine said...

Hear, hear!
Remind me not to get on your bad side... :-)
Happy late TT!

Kendra said...

behind the bushes and locked in a cellar? LOL that was a good one though... you should link back to that story!!! great TT list!!

Chris said...

I agree with every single thing on this list! GMTA...

Shannon said...

I LOVE this list!!!
Very expressive and I agree with almost everything you say! I was sitting here at work laughing my butt off! One good thing about blogs is reading about other moms and their thoughts and this was just great. Number one I just really, really liked. :) I always tell my boyfriend that I was naive during my first marriage, but I'll be guarding ours like Fort Knox and I may be little but there isn't ANYONE big enough to tangle with me on that one!
Great job!
bsmommy99.wordpress.com

Polly said...

Thanks for writing this.