I was going to include a cute picture like I always do, but you wouldn’t believe how many naked women named April pose for calendars :) Do a search if you don’t believe me.
Anyway, Easter was officially the start of the season of non-stop celebrations in The Rock Chick Household. Over the next five weeks, we will be celebrating (all at my house) five birthdays, one 15 year wedding anniversary, an 8th grade graduation and Mother’s Day. I was mulling over guest lists and menus during one of my daughter’s tri-weekly occupational therapy sessions for her broken wrist when her therapist informed me that April is “Occupational Therapy Month”.
Really? A whole month? Mothers, Fathers and Saints only get one day! I wasn’t sure how to respond. Happy month to you? Is she expecting a gift? I really like her but isn’t the almost $900 a week she is billing my insurance company enough appreciation anymore? I think I muttered something really thoughtful like “That’s nice”.
In true coincidence, the next day I was told that May is “Older Americans Month”. How do you observe “Older Americans Month”? I called my red-headed, fireball of a 95 year old grandmother to ask for her thoughts on this and she said she didn’t care as long as long as I didn’t refer to her as “old” and if we’re buying her a present, she would like some new high heels. (Truly, you are only as old as you feel.) My grandmother is a 100% no-nonsense woman who will order you to sit down in Polish so sternly that everyone in the room actually does it even if they don't know what she is saying. She votes Democratic even though my 95 year old Republican grandfather orders her not to and she tells it like it is. Just don’t get anywhere near her if she’s pushing a shopping cart in the grocery store. She will run your ass right over if you get in her way. She’s definitely the kind of “Older American” I’d like to be.
I realized that I’m probably supposed to be celebrating or observing events that I didn’t even know had a “day”, a “week”, or a “month”, so I set out to find a list. Not only is April “Occupational Therapy Month”, it is also “Guitar Month”, “Straw Hat Month” and “National Grilled Cheese Month” (wtf?). Isn't that a Hee Haw episode? Thankfully, it's also “Humor Month”, which is good because I don’t have to feel bad poking a little fun at these things. I do have to mark my calendar for June 13th, which is “Kitchen Klutzes Day”.
Since almost every day of the year is filled up with “Yell FUDGE at a Cobra Day” (huh?), “Don’t Put All Your Eggs In One Omelette Day” and “Act Like A Caveman Day”, it’s no wonder we’ve had to resort to weeks and even months to celebrate things like “Intimate Apparel Week” or “National Oatmeal Month”. Good Lord. This is freakin’ exhausting.
In case you are wondering, today is officially “Big Wind Day”, commemorating the strongest natural wind velocity of 231 miles per hour ever recorded on the surface of Earth. It is also Thursday Thirteen.....here’s mine....
(in no particular order...)
1. Be Nice To Your Insurance Agent Day. Even if you are upset, you would be forbidden to yell at your insurance agent or accuse them of ripping you off. It would be nice if this lasted for a month, but even a single day would be okay with me.
2. Slap Your Co-Worker Silly Day. We all have one. The co-worker that makes you so insane you wonder how many more days you can sit there with them before you snap and end up on the ten o’clock news or something. This would completely prevent that from happening.
3. Chocolate Twizzler Day. Just because I like them!
4. Rock Chick Day. To celebrate this day, you would go see your favorite bar band and dance until your mascara runs and you are so sweaty that you are undesirable to even the creepiest weirdo in the bar, even if you are wearing fabulous shoes.
5. Leave Me Alone Day. Personally, this is how I prefer to celebrate Mother’s Day. I don’t want cards, gifts, flowers, brunch or attention. I just want to lay on the couch, watch some bad Lifetime movies with a bowl of ice cream and not have to drive anyone anywhere, sign things, hand any one all the cash in my purse, break up little spats or plead with teenagers to do their chores. Just pretend I’m not even here. That would be more than fine with me.
6. Bon Jovi Day. Does this really need any explanation? This could even coincide with “Be Nice To New Jersey Week” which is observed sometime in July.
7. You’re Not Too Old To Wear A Miniskirt Day. Provided you still have the legs for it, at least one day a year you should be allowed to wear something deemed inappropriate for your age category. This year I will be wearing my new Old Navy shorts with wedge heels, just like the girls on Three’s Company. I like this look and I was too young for it the first time it came around. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it again. It would be nice if a soundtrack of My Sharona played in the background while I strut my supermodel walk, too.
8. Play Like A Kid Day. Hula Hoop, Hop Scotch, Blow Bubbles and Roller Skate (I’m still old school-can’t do the blades) to your heart’s content. Just don’t try the Slip ‘N Slide unless you want to be sore for the next six weeks. Ouch. You’ll have to trust me on that one.
9. Belly Dancing Day. Everyone can put on a hip scarf with cha-ching-a-ling coins and shimmy to their hearts content. It’s great exercise and it’s soooo much fun!
10. Cheating? Get A Clue Day. Remember when you fell in love with the person you are married to? When they were your whole world, every breath you take and the sunshine of your life? I have too many friends with marriage troubles because of inappropriate relationships with other people, (that of course, never got physical!) because the cheater somehow believes that his or her spouse doesn’t understand them anymore. Here’s the clue: They understand you, believe me. I know all the parties involved in all of my friends problems and none of them are so deep or complex that you can’t see what’s happening there.
11. The Bank Makes An Error In Your Favor Day. Ok, I’m dreaming, but I’m wondering what kind of windfall I would have if I added up all those ATM fees over the years.
12. Eat Dessert Instead Of Dinner Day. I know, totally unhealthy, but when they figure out a way to make a pork chop taste as good as French Silk Pie, let me know.
13. Kiss My Ass Day. Just like it sounds. Sounds like a great greeting card design to me :)
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