Cell Block Tango

Is this The Simple Life?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a speed trap

Now no escape from reality


A few days ago I posted an entry totally poking fun at Paris Hilton. I’m not sorry I did that because I’m about to do it again, but I admit, after Friday’s all day news coverage and a comment made by an “expert”, I am feeling sorry for her. A comment was made that even though Paris’ sentence is excessively harsh, it’s good that the public is finally seeing justice involving a celebrity. It kind of “makes up” for all those other celebrities that got off easy. She said it restored her faith in the justice system.

Really? People being punished excessively because of who they are and to “make up for” the decisions in unrelated criminal cases restores one's faith in the justice system?

I absolutely do not condone what she did, but excessively punishing Paris isn’t going to “make up” for the fact that OJ, Robert Blake and Michael Jackson are still out there. It just doesn’t work that way and I have no idea why people think that jumping to the opposite extreme is the answer to any problem.

Despite my previous hypotheses as to why Paris might have been released early, the truth is that the average non-violent offender in LA serves maybe 10% of their sentence actually in the jail. The remainder is usually served on home confinement or through community service. Michelle Rodriguez from “Lost” was released in four hours and twenty minutes on a 60 day sentence with a much more extensive record simply because they do not have the room to house non-violent offenders. According to their own website, an average of 130 people per day are “tagged and released” in this manner. It shouldn’t matter that her home confinement would be served in a mansion. That is her home regardless of what it looks like.

I do have one question, though. If Paris hires people to read her mail for her, why on earth doesn’t she have a driver?

Anyway, the non-stop coverage really was nothing short of fabulous. A tabloid readers dream! There were helicopters, paparazzi running after the squad cars after the squad cars ran over them and reporters breaking in to say that “The makeup artist has arrived!” I have to say one of the best parts was watching the truckloads of party supplies pull up around all the paparazzi and police. That’s hot!

Since no one will read actually read the Paris Hilton Jail Diaries, I thought I’d help her out with all the money she is losing from personal appearances by writing “Prisoned Paris: The Musical”. It’s sung to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody, which is what they should have had playing in the background during the newsfest yesterday.

Scene I: Paris House.
Characters: Paris in the back of a squad car, weeping.

I’m just a rich girl, I need your sympathy
Because I’m easy come, easy go (We’ve all seen your movie, Paris!)
A little drunk, a suntanned glow
Any way the radar shows, it shouldn’t really matter to me....to me!

Mama, I just drove the car
Put my foot upon the gas
Now the world thinks I’m an ass
Bikini season had just begun
And now I go away for 23 days
Mama, oooooooooo
Didn’t mean to make me cry
If I’m not out again this time tomorrow
Party on, party on
And tell them to bring the Haldol.....

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Scene II: The Courthouse
Characters: The Judge. Scene II also features Nicole Richie, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan as the underpantsless female a cappella group, “Scary Cooch”. (Oh sorry, that was supposed to be Scaramouch. What the fandango was I thinking?)

Paris: I’m just a rich girl and nobody loves me.

Scary Cooch (in unison): She’s just a rich girl from a rich family. Spare her her life from this monstrosity.

Paris: Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go?

The Judge: Bismillah! No! We will not let you go!

Scary Cooch (in harmony): Let her go!

The Judge: Will not let you go. Never let you go. No! No! No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOO!

Paris: OH MOMMMMMM! a mia, mama mia, mama mia, let me go! LA County has a cell put aside for me....for me.....FOR ME!!!!

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I’m still working on my possible endings which are:

#1) The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, releases Paris from jail himself and at the gate tells her “Don’t be back!”.

#2) Nicole Richie slips between the bars and passes Paris a metal file. Paris is enraged that Nicole would even suggest she do her own nails and a cat fight ensues.

#3) Paris gets so addicted to tranquilizers in jail that they have no choice but to release her to go to rehab with “Scary Coochers”, Mel Gibson, Nick Nolte and Richie Sambora where they will have plenty of time to practice my musical.

#4) Tom Cruise arrives at the jail with some Narconon pamphlets prompting the world to start chanting “Run, Paris, Run!”

I can’t quite decide. Of course, alternate ending suggestions are encouraged!! As you can tell, I have far too much time on my hands this morning :)