Cuckoo's Nest

Yesterday I told you about one of the JessiCATastrophic events that happened this week, my missing key. Before I go continue, the law requires me to post the following notice:

Dear Mr. Bon Jovi,

No worries, it was just me who rode my bicycle past your window last night and roller skated past your door at daylight. Unfortunately, the locksmith didn’t show up with my Brand New Key so I ride my bike, I roller skate and don’t drive no car. I don’t go too fast, but I go pretty far.

Pursuingly, The Rock Chick

Yeah. Seriously. He didn’t show, (ARRRRRGH!) but he did call in the evening and told me that I get to wait for him all day on Wednesday now. The economy sucks, businesses are closing or filing bankruptcy day every day and yet, I can’t seem to get anybody who advertises themselves as an “emergency auto locksmith” to work and I’m just supposed to accept that, I guess.

This is exactly the opposite mentality of my job. My customer service job has become nothing short of a freak show featuring me, center ring, standing on my head and attempting to pull all sorts of things out of my ass in order to please our customers.

Because insurance is an intangible item and hopefully, one doesn’t find the need to file many claims, many people believe that they give their insurance company money for nothing. I hear this day in and day out and I try my best to explain to the customers that they are purchasing protection in case “shit happens”. The economy is tight, I get that. People don’t have money and I can’t say paying my insurance premiums is high on my list of enjoyable activities, either. Then again, neither is dealing with buttholes and they all seem to be out these days, forcing me to want to scream “Holy Bat Shit, Batman” and hermit myself to the comfy and safe nest I’ve assembled in the CATcave.

Disclaimer: Unlike my caped crusader friend, I really don't have a animalistic alter ego, I just pretend I do online.

This past week alone, I have been called very, very bad names (Perez Hilton, was that you?), sworn at and threatened with physical harm over customer’s insurance premiums. I had a spat (spit?) with one customer who came into the office wildly upset that his neighbor is receiving a multi-car discount and he is not. He only has one car policy, which I might add to this story had lapsed a month prior for non-payment of premium. He demanded a single car discount, which of course, doesn’t exist. (The whole point of multi-car or multi-line discounts is so that you bring all of your policies to one company.)

Red faced and hands flailing, he insisted I add the “single car discount”. I couldn't because it doesn’t exist. Then he demanded that I remove whatever commission was factored into the premium. I couldn't do that either because a) I have no idea what that is, b) it would be considered rebating and it’s illegal and c) insurance agents are supposed to work for free now?

I was very nice, even apologizing that I could do none of these things for him when he pulled the old standard, “Let me tell you, I’ve shopped around and found way better rates someplace else”. I hear this day in and day out as well and while it does happen sometimes (not often, really), it’s normally because all insurance policies and companies are not created equal.

Butthole: "So you WILL do something for me or I will take my business elsewhere."

At this point, I really wanted to tell the guy that technically, he didn’t even have any business here. His one auto policy has lapsed over a month ago, but I’m a nice person so I offered to look over the quote he was given by this other insurance company to see if we were looking at something even comparable. Of course it wasn’t, but even worse, this guy was considering leaving the pleasantness of his good neighborly type insurance company for THIS place. Enjoy.



Perhaps this gentleman and The Eagle Man both share a love of blowing smoke out their ass, I don’t know. I question the judgement of anyone who would actually call that company after seeing that commercial. That’s just, well, freakin' cuckoo.

Butthole demanded the same rates. I showed him that they are only offering him the state minimum coverage and if that’s what he’d like here, he can have it (and for less money, too!) but I couldn’t recommend that because I knew this guy owned a house insured with another company. Driving is very risky! If he’d like to leave himself open to losing his home as a result of an accident, then by all means, go with the state minimum coverage. If not, then I would recommend him leaving his policy as it is. Well, except for the lapsed status.

Spat ensues. More of a spit, actually. He screamed, he yelled, he flailed and demanded I give him the higher coverage for the lower rate or I’m not going to like what happens. The only thing I told him I was about to do at that point was to call 911 and ...


There is was. He wasn’t only blowing smoke out his ass, he was spitting right at me. As I picked up the phone to call the police, he fled and I cursed, “swearapy style” and sprayed myself off with Lysol straight from the can.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!swineflu.swineflu.
SWINE FREAKING FLU!

The best part about this story is that the guy called back the next day wanting to know if I would write his homeowner’s insurance policy so he would be eligible for a multi-line discount.

WTF? NO you freak and I’m telling you, if he comes in again, he’s going to find out what “I’ve got something for YOOOOOOOU!” actually means.

Surgical removal of a Catboot heel. Not pleasant at all.

I hope he has insurance for that.