Shapes Of Insanity

Ok. It’s official. What I’ve been fearing has finally come true. I have lost my mind. I now close my eyes and envision shapes of insanity and they look like this.


My driver’s license expired on my birthday last week. I know, I know, you’re supposed to renew it before it expires, but I just told you, I lost my mind.

This afternoon I went to the lovely Secretary of State facilities with the oh, so friendly (cough, cough, gag) people and confessed that my license had expired a few days ago. It was no problem, they assured me, and I should just get in line. Of course.

When they finally called my number, the lady at the counter told me that I would have to take a written exam to renew my license. Because it had expired? No, because of the whole ticket fiasco I told you about last year in my I Want You To Want Me post.

I did get a ticket, but a conviction was entered before they even gave me a court date because, you know, they are soooo busy that they can’t always process the return envelopes within the 30 day allowed time span. Welcome to Chicago and Crook (opps, Cook) County.

Ok, whatever. I’ve been driving for 26 years with only one traffic ticket and a handful of accidents. The majority, of which, were not my fault. I can do the written test.

I was directed to an area with school type desks (made for right handers) and you had to answer the questions using the red pen tied to the side of the table. I might want to add that it was tied to the right side of the table and the string wasn’t very long. I am left handed so I had to do a quarter turn to my right and write on the little arm of the table just to use the darn pen.

Come to think of it, it's amazing that I even made it through school being discriminated against like this! What if I suffered from some potentially serious neck or back strain injury trying to write like this? I should probably sue somebody.

Anyway, I answered like 30 multiple choice driving questions easy as pie. Piece of cake! And then I turned the page to find 17 shapes without words on them and I was supposed to indicate what these shapes mean.

Yes, I did know the stop and the yield sign shapes, but the other ones? Not all of them. When I see those signs on the road, they have words or pictures on them. That’s what I pay attention to, not the darn shape or color of a sign.

Good God. I made my best guesses and took it back up to Mr. Older Than Moses for my score. I got all of the multiple choice questions correct, but I missed two too many signs, prompting him to mutter "sorry" and hand me a copy of “Rules of the Road”.

Sorry? I. Failed. The. Test.

I have never failed a test in my life! I was a terrific student in school, sailed through my ACT and SAT exams and score in the top 2% of all human beings on an IQ test and I know I knew this when I was 16... the last time I had to take a written driver’s test.

I feel like Kelly Bundy without the boobs. Check out this episode of Married With Children episode where Kelly was competing on a game show and could only hold a certain amount of facts in her head before she was full. Once she reached that point, any new facts added to her brain would blast out something she already knew.



I guess all of the wisdom I’ve accumulated in my 42 years has erased the meanings of the shapes of the signs on the road from my mind.

This is bad news for me because I’ve always done pretty well with my memory games all things trivial. My friend Malcolm hosts a weekly trivia contest that I love to play. I do fairly well on his quizzes, but today I really wish that I was able to recall the shapes of insanity, instead of Fred Sanford’s deceased wife’s name or Patricia Reichardt’s nickname.

You should go take Malcolm’s Trivia Quiz, and I will retake my written test tomorrow..you know, so I actually have a driver’s license.

Move over, Al. Psycho Dad is being replaced with Psycho Mom. It was bound to happen sooner or later.