She Drives Me Crazy (Life on Hysteria Lane)

Last night was opening season of the Hysteria Lane summertime fire pit parties. We desperate housewives and our families gather in one or another’s backyards, drink beer and yammer about whatever is going on in our lives. Well, they do. I mostly listen.

The reason I do more listening is because my greatest creative inspirations in writing, designing and photography derive from listening to and observing other people. My sure cure for any creative block can be found within five minutes max in any public place. I don't care where the place is. As long as there is someone other than me present, the lights turn green and my foot moves from the brake to the accelerator.

I am the Edie Britt of the neighborhood. Again, not in the skanky way, but in the "left out of the coffee clutch" way. There is a reason for this. Most of the time I would rather be at the dentist than spend a lot of my free time with my fellow Hysteria Laners, although, I admit, both are great sources for a blog entry. We don't normally see eye to eye and our relationships definitely have more to do with proximity than actually having anything in common.

Lynette hosted this fire pit party and the gals and I were actually happily chatting about all of the birthdays in my household this week and gift lists. My daughter, who is turning 16, has a whole long list of very expensive, but very cool, gift requests. On my list is a partial dental bridge to replace the two molars I had to have extracted two months ago. Expensive, yes, but probably not a very cool birthday wish, I guess. I've been trying to remember what happened to me during the course of my life that I went from wanting a T-Mobile Sidekick or a Little Red Corvette to desiring dentures for a birthday present.

“You don’t want anything else?” Lynette asked me.

Nope, not really. Just teeth.

Bree and her husband arrived at the fire pit gala interrupting our conversation. Without even saying hello, Bree asked me if I was busy on November 22, 2008.

Maybe. Since that is 18 months from now, I’m sure I can rework my schedule if need be, but it definitely is going to depend on what she wanted. If it was for another scrapbooking and stamping extravaganza, then yes, I was busy.

She said it was the date of her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah and she wanted us to keep the date open. That I will definitely do.

Bree plopped down on a lawn chair and between sips of beer (and my wondering how she could talk for so long without breathing) told us how she and her husband had spent the entire day scouting locations for the party after the service. She said she already had the “theme” picked out and asked me if I would design a t-shirt for the guests. Before I could even ask “why do you need t-shirts?”, she blurted out that she had already sketched the centerpieces and in order to cut costs, she would appreciate if the housewives could gather on occassion to build these things as opposed to her having them made somewhere. She was working on keeping her guest list at 300 (300?!?!?!) (that definitely calls for an interrobang) and oh...(Bree finally takes a breath) she was thrilled because yesterday she learned that the DJ she wanted was indeed available on that date (hard to believe) and because of the advanced notice, he cut her a great deal and is only charging her $5,000.00 for his services.

Now I couldn’t breathe. $5,000.00 for a DJ?

She looked at me as if I were the crazy one and said very matter-of-factly “Well, that includes the dancing girls.”

At that moment, a birthday present (other than teeth) popped in my head. I would really like a small stop sign on a handle that I can just hold up when necessary. I think that might be more effective than the way I currently shake my head, make jazz hands and let my jaw drop in disbelief.

My father's side of the family were non-practicing Jews and an assortment of other religions, but my mother is as Catholic as they come and that is how we were raised. I’m not as familiar with Judaism and it’s ceremonies as I should be, and I’ve never been to a Bat Mitzvah, but I think (perhaps I’m wrong, please correct me if I am) that the Bat Mitzvah is similar in meaning to our church’s Sacrament of Confirmation. After my daughter’s Confirmation ceremony, my family came over to our house for some cake and coffee.

Ok, back to the dancing girls. I had to know.

Bree informed me that the DJ brings dancing girls to get the guests up and dancing. They keep the party going and perhaps dance with anyone who doesn’t have a partner.

This made me chuckle. Bree, sweetie, those aren’t “dancing girls”. Those are Rock Chicks!!

I had an inkling I was totally underpaid for my self-proclaimed profession! Forget the bar band, I was missing a clear, and obviously lucrative, opportunity on the Bat Mitzvah circuit. I’m definitely going to have to have a conversation with my current employer.

I asked Bree if I could ask her a totally none-of-my-business question. When she said yes, I wanted to know how much this party would cost. Bree’s husband is a fireman. I’m familiar with size of public safety paychecks.

She figured about $25,000 and they will have to borrow against their house to pay for it. She almost apologetically said that it’s indeed “a little much” because they aren’t even “all that religious”, but what can she do? Her daughter expects this and there’s pressure for each 13 year old girl’s party to out-do the previous one.

I was speechless. The more Bree talked, the more this sounded less like some stairway to heaven and more like the highway to hell. Financial hell. To me, this would be extravagant for a wedding, but a party for a 13 year old? I don’t care if my last name was Trump Hyphen Hilton. Forget it. Not going to happen. And what does she mean what could she do about it?

I’m thinking she could hold up a stop sign. stop sign. stop sign.

I was able to plan my entire wedding in three months and I spent less than $3,000 on the whole thing. Dress included. My husband and I went to another wedding for a co-worker the day after ours. The party was complete with horse-drawn carriages and everyone they’ve ever met in their lives. $40,000 and they were separated within a year when the groom found out that she had never actually stopped sleeping with whoever she was dating before he came into the picture two years earlier.

These events are supposed to be about one’s commitment to their religion and/or to another person. They are not about who can out-do who with a party, t-shirts, centerpieces and dancing girls. When did people stop believing that the actual event you are celebrating is more important than the party? If this is the case, why even bother?

Before Bree drove me completely crazy, I retreated back to the sane sanctity of my own house and pondered how I would subtly place an octagon shape into her requested t-shirt design. If my face-to-face reaction of utter shock wasn’t enough to convince Bree that she’s not only blown the stop sign, she's running red lights, then maybe a little subliminal messaging carefully placed in my artwork will do the trick.

Oh, My God.
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This is my entry to the Inspiration Bit Extended Group Project: Source of Inspiration. All you have to do is write a blog post sharing what it is that gets you inspired. There are no topic restrictions. You can be a blogger, designer, artist, musician or even share your inspirations for life and work! Give it a try!